Lily's Lonely Nights
by Sjoeks
Summary: In her seventh year, Lily is lonely. She lies in bed and wonders about the future, which Potter has totally ruined. ONESHOT J/L


"Merlin's beard, he's annoying," Lily moaned to Laura and Caroline, "Can't he leave me alone for five bloody minutes? If I need to see his face one more time today, I swear I'll jump of the astronomy tower."

"Oh my poor Lily," Caroline said empathetic, "Isn't it a better solution to push him of the astronomy tower instead of jumping yourself?"

Lily thought about the idea for a moment, "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Bloody damn annoying Potter."

"You can't go pushing my quidditch captain of towers, Lils," Laura said grinning.

"You'll live without him," Lily smiled. The three girls climbed the stairs to their dormitory, where Mary Macdonald and Stacha Nichols were already changing in their pajamas.

"I hate him," Lily groaned, "Seriously; can't he just leave me alone?"

"James?" Stacha asked.

"No, Snape?" Mary guessed.

"Potter," Lily said and dropped on her bed.

"You can always give him to us if you don't want him," Mary smiled.

"Imagine the things we could do with him, Mary," Stacha grinned, "We could tie him to a bed and torture him with feathers and…"

"Stop!" Lily yelled, "I don't want to hear anything about him anymore. Especially nothing that's related to sex."

Stacha, Mary and Laura snickered behind their hands as Lily untied her hair. Caroline smiled a little and stripped off her skirts. Then, she disappeared into the bathroom. Lily yawned and climbed in her bed.

"Sleep tight, ladies," she said.

"Sleep tight, your highness," Laura smiled.

"Thank you, you servant," Lily grinned and she suddenly switched to a posh accent, "Why don't you give me a foot massage while you wait for the bathroom, servant?"

"Well of course, your highness," Laura jumped onto Lily's bed, grabbed her foot and pulled on her toe, "You like it like this, your highness?"

"A little softer, serv-" Lily gave a high shriek as Laura tickled her foot.

"Soft enough?" Laura grinned and let go of Lily's foot. The redhead laid panting and laughing for a couple of minutes.

"Thank you for being my friend, Lau," Lily said softly.

"No need to thank me, Lils," Laura smiled.

"Bathroom's free!" Caroline yelled.

"It's mine!" Laura yelled back, and she spurted inside. Caroline made a dive for her bed and all girls were silent, until Laura walked back in.

"Sleep tight," Mary said.

"Sleep tight," the others answered.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Laura said.

Lily rolled onto her back and sighed softly. She heard the other girls move in their beds and wiggled her toes. She stared at the red curtains of her bed and listened to the breathing of her friends. After some time, they slowed and deepened and Lily knew they were falling asleep. She also knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep now. She'd be lying awake for hours again, like every night these past few weeks.

Her heart felt heavy in her chest as she counted her heartbeats. Some heavy knots formed in her stomach and blood rushed through her ears. She felt lonely, as she did every night lately. She didn't know where it came from. All she knew that her thoughts swirled through her head and made her feel dizzy. As if she'd drunk a little too much.

Lily sighed again and thought steady thoughts. She thought about Petunia and her parents and felt even lonelier. Although her mother wrote her every week, she still missed them deeply. She missed her mother's warmth and her father's booming laugh. She missed the way her sister's feet sounded when she walked down the stairs in the morning and she missed the sound of her father's sneezes. She even missed her mother's soft snores in the room next to her.

One day, she wanted to have a family like that of her own. She wanted to get married and have beautiful little children that would look like her. With her ginger hair and great green eyes. Then she could play games with them, like hide and seek and memory and with the doll house. And her husband could play football and quidditch in the garden. Or maybe not quidditch. It would be a little weird for the neighbors if they'd see a bunch of wizards on their brooms playing a game like that.

She would brush her daughters' hair until it would shine and would buy nice clothes for them. Dresses with flowers and skirts with dots. She would tell her sons bedtime stories and would give them all so much love it would smother them. She would hug them all day and sing children's songs for and with them. She'd teach them all about muggles and their habits and they'd visit her parents every week.

But before she'd start on children, she'd marry some great guy. He'd be so nice for her. She could already picture herself in front of the altar. She in white and he in black. Laura would do her hair and Caroline would be her maid of honor. And Petunia, Laura, Caroline, Stacha and Mary would all be her bridesmaids. It would be so beautiful.

She could already picture all the flowers in the church. They'd be blue, her favorite color. Her parents would sit on the first row and her mother would cry so hard. And she'd be so proud. She'd literally glow with pride. Everyone who saw her would know it was her wedding.

Lily sighed and rolled on her other side. Who would ever want to marry _her_? All the boys were frightened to even talk to her, because they were all afraid that _Potter_ would do anything to them if they did. She'd be lonely for the rest of her life, all because of him.

Pangs of pain shot through her heart and Lily bit her pillow, while clutching her breast. Tears ran down her face and were immediately absorbed by the soft cotton of her pillow. Life was so unfair. Potter had ruined it all for her. All the dreams she'd had as a little girl would never come true. All the dreams she still had.

She hugged her pillow and forced herself to be silent and stop crying. Big girls didn't cry and she really didn't want to wake the other girls up. She'd be considered weak if they saw her crying. They wouldn't tell her, of course, but she just knew they'd think it.

"Deep breath, Lils," she whispered to herself, "Deep breaths and green thoughts."

She thought of her parents and how they'd be so happy to go walk with their grandchildren. Little Lily's, whom they could tell all about the past. Just like she'd always asked her grandparents about the past.

She pictured herself walking down the aisle again. She really liked thinking about her wedding. It made her feel warm inside. For a moment, at least, because afterwards, it always made her feel cold and lonely.

So, she was walking down the aisle. Her fiancé was already waiting. She could clearly see his dark suit and the white flower he wore in his buttonhole. She changed her mind and the white flower turned blue. She could never see his face. It was always hidden behind some mist. But she could always feel the warmth and love radiating from him. She felt safe when she stood next to him and she felt she wanted to grow old with this man. It always felt _right_ when she was around him. Even though she could never see his face, she knew he was _the one._

The priest said some words she never listened at and at last, she and her fiancé faced each other, ready to exchange the rings. All she could see was the shimmering of the gold and his slender, beautiful hands. He shoved the ring over her finger and she felt so _complete_. Then she gave him his ring and looked up at him. He smiled.

"I love you, Lily," James Potter whispered.

"And I love you," she answered as their lips met.

She didn't know how, after all the trouble she'd put him through, she'd ever have to tell him that he made her feel complete. So she realized that tomorrow would go just like today and yesterday and the day before yesterday.

It was a hopeless case, and that was what Lily realized on her lonely nights.

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Reviews are much loved and appreciated. Criticism as well, as it can only help me improve.


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